Rated E for Everyone
by LNC2
Summary: Chat always said she cast a striking figure, but this was ridiculous.
1. It Figures

"Don't freak out, kid."

" _Gah!_ "

Adrien shrieked, feet sliding along the shower tiles as he desperately tried to find purchase. His hands hit the edge of one of the built-in shelves which he clutched tightly as shampoo ran down his forehead and into his eyes.

" _Son of a–_ "

"I told you not to freak out." Plagg chided as Adrien blindly slapped the walls until he found where his towel was hanging. Angry tears leaked down his cheeks as he tried to flush out the wayward soap.

"First of all," Adrien growled, his voice muffled by his towel. "That's a guaranteed way to get someone to freak out."

"Noted."

"And secondly," He said, glaring through his non-infected eye. "I thought we had an agreement about the bathroom."

Plagg rolled his eyes. "It's nothing I haven't seen before."

"That's beside the point!" Adrien snapped. "It's a _courtesy_."

"Well speaking of courtesy, kid. We've got company."

"What are you talking abo– _oh my god!_ "

This time he _did_ slip, falling feet over ass onto the floor as water continued pouring down on him.

"Oh dear." A tinkling voice said above him.

Adrien ignored his aching tailbone and slicked back the hair from his eyes to see a bright red and black sprite frowning down at him in concern.

"Feh." He said, dumbly.

The little sprite - another kwami? - turned to Plagg. "I thought you told him not to freak out?"

"I did." He said, scowling. "The boy doesn't' listen."

The boy in question was starting to come to his senses as he realized he was still wet and splayed out, very much on display, for their unexpected… guest.

Neither one of them seemed to notice.

"Kid this is Tikki. Tikki this is the kid." Plagg drawled.

Tikki flew down to his eye line, just out of reach of the shower stream. "It's very nice to meet you, Chat Noir."

Adrien could only blink.

Plagg snorted. "And I thought your Bug had issues."

"L-Ladybug?" He said weakly.

Tikki smiled.

 _Please god this isn't happening._

Adrien scrambled to his feet with as much naked, panicked dignity as he could muster. Tikki, bless her, kept her eyes on his face as he snatched his towel from the rack and turned off the water.

"To, uh, what do I owe the pleasure?" He asked, turning his back on his shameless visitors as he adjusted the towel.

"Ladybug needs your help."

" _What?_ " He whirled around, nearly falling again in his panic. "Where is she? What happened? Is she hurt? Plagg, _Claws O–mph!_ "

Adrien sputtered as Plagg removed his paws from his mouth.

Tikki giggled. "He is impulsive isn't he?"

"Maybe you should put some pants on first, champ."

Adrien cast a panicked look towards Tikki.

"Don't worry. She's safe. She's just a little… tied down at the moment."

His shoulders slumped in relief only to tense again as the two kwamis stared at him expectantly.

"Um, can I get a little privacy?"

* * *

She'd fucked up.

Okay, well maybe that wasn't _quite_ fair, as she really had no way of knowing there was an akuma lurking just outside the downtown metro.

Then again, after three years of this gig maybe she should have.

Because really, why _wouldn't_ some poor pockmarked kid be confronted by a bunch of bullies as he left Parisian Comic Con? And why _wouldn't_ Hawkmoth take advantage of said kid's roiling emotions and turn him into some crazed life-sized action figure akuma? Furthermore, why then _wouldn't_ the next person he ran into be Marinette _I-love-my-best-friend-so-much-I'll-brave-con-crowds-to-grab-that-signed-Majestia-comic-because-she's-stuck-babysitting_ Dupain-Cheng?

And all of these things being true, then why _wouldn't_ he transform her into a plastic wrapped doll on sight?

 _I thought this shit only happened to Chat Noir._

Thankfully she'd seen the blast coming just in time and had the wherewithal to toss her purse and Tikki ( _hey!_ ) out of the way. Small blessings really when she found her arms and legs tied down to the cardboard backing.

The akuma, satisfied with a job well done, wandered off to ruin the rest of Paris' day, leaving Marinette stiff and unblinking, a cheek-cringing smile plastered on her face.

Tikki, bless her, tried her best. She really did.

But it was hard enough for the kwami to drag her box out of direct pedestrian trampling range let alone rip through the reinforced packaging.

"Oh my," Tikki said, her voice slightly muffled through the plastic. "I think we're going to need some help."

 _Fantastic_. She could hear her partner now.

Chat always said she cast a striking figure, but this was ridiculous.

* * *

Adrien did not wake up this morning intending on discovering his lady's identity.

Sure, he _hoped_ but it was in the same abstract way he hoped his father would show up for dinner or that Hawkmoth would fall off a cliff– always there in the back of his mind but never acknowledged as an attainable reality.

Needless to say, he was freaking out.

 _Be cool, kid._ Plagg had said before disappearing into the ring. It was clear from his tone alone that his kwami had little faith in _that_ happening.

Adrien was determined to prove him wrong.

He could be cool. He was Chat _freaking_ Noir. He was the epitome of cool.

He was going to ride in, rescue his lady, be totally and completely _casual_ about this whole mess, and his coolness and casualness was going to sweep her off her adorable polka dotted feet.

 _Cool_.

"We're almost there!" Tikki shouted.

Adrien tripped over a loose roof tile and nearly somersaulted over the ledge. The little ladybug's laughter echoed around him like annoying, magical wind chimes.

"Don't be nervous Chat Noir."

"I'm not nervous."

"Okay." She chirped. It irked him that he couldn't be sure whether she believed him or not.

Plagg may be a pain in the ass but there was something about Tikki's kind smiles and guileless eyes that screamed mischief.

Adrien followed her down into an alley near a metro entrance before she pulled back to rest on his shoulder.

"She's near the escalators."

Adrien went towards the direction Tikki pointed him and could see the backside of a doll manufacturer's packaging. His heart beat erratically and he was sure his palms were sweating beneath his suit.

He could do this.

All he had to do was _be cool_.

Be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool.

Slowly, he picked up the box, a suave and totally casual _what a doll-ightful suprise, my lady_ at the ready–

only to turn over the box to find a doe-eyed manic-grinned Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

 _Eep_.

"Hey Chat," She said sheepishly.

Adrien couldn't help it. He screamed.

 _Way to be cool._

* * *

 **A/N: Part 1/2 _  
_**


	2. The Total Package

"Hey Chat."

Marinette wasn't sure what else she expected as Chat Noir's incoherent squeals reverberated throughout the metro's entrance, an echo chamber of superhero fortitude.

" _ **Lrbgemirnt**_ **?** "

His green eyes were large and dilated and earnest as he stared down at her.

"Um, yes?"

" _Ermp!"_

She couldn't manage to look _concerned_ in her current state but Tikki understood her manic-wide eye contact all the same.

"Plagg says he's like this sometimes."

Marinette knew that. Marinette could _understand_ that.

How many times had she fallen to pieces because Adrien managed to catch her off guard? Or on guard, really. Sometimes you could be as guarded as possible and the right person would still be able to turn you into a chirruping, flailing mess.

It was sweet, really. Or it would be.

However as she was currently ten inches and a _plastic doll_ , Marinette felt she was owed the monopoly on panicked freak-outs.

"Um, Chat," She said, cutting off his babbling. "I know you're having a moment and really, I can be sensitive to that, but when you get the chance these twist ties are _really_ uncomfortable."

That seemed to cut through to him. Chat fell to the ground, the suddenness of the drop rattling them both as he pulled her box onto his lap as a child would a gift.

She half-expected him to say something about her being the _best_ present as he gingerly unpacked her, but he didn't say a word. His previous panic seemed to catch up to him and although the lighting wasn't necessarily stellar, Marinette thought she could see red peeking out from beneath his mask.

She sighed.

"Do you want to try again, _minou_?"

Chat's hands faltered as they lifted her out of the box. She tried to look as reassuring as one could when they had no control over their facial expression.

He understood her anyways and his resulting shy grin it made her wish she'd been accessorized with sunglasses. Chat took a shaky breath as his fingers got to work on the twist ties around her wrists and ankles.

"What a doll-ightful surprise, my lady."

* * *

Adrien had long accepted that Ladybug was beautiful and dear even on her worst days. But there was something so completely feet-sweeping adorable about a _little_ Ladybug that threatened to send him back into a cooing, babbling mess.

She was so _tiny_.

She had a tiny yoyo and tiny polka dots all over her tiny suit with her tiny mask that was no bigger than two fingernails.

She was–

"I may be small Chat but I can still kick your ass."

She was _definitely_ still Ladybug.

He grinned. "Ah, ah, buginette. Aren't you rated E for Everyone?"

"I hate you so much right now."

"Don't toy with me, my lady."

" _Chat_." She smacked his knee with her tiny fists, her movements stilted and a little stop motion-y. Adrien bit his lip to keep from laughing. "You're having way too much fun with this."

He probably was but he couldn't help it.

His lady was Marinette Dupain-Cheng and she was currently the size of the Ladybug and Chat Noir action figures he ( _absolutely did not_ ) play with at home.

There was a lot of fun to be had here.

"According to the Ladyblog, the akuma is heading towards the Trocadero." Ladybug looked up from her yoyo only to be met with his dopey grin. "Are you even _listening_ to me?"

He shook his head. "I've got to be honest, LB. The whole not blinking smile thing is kind of freaking me out."

"Yeah, well," She huffed, snapping her yoyo shut. "Of the people needing comforting right now, I'd think it'd be me."

Adrien laughed. "Don't worry bugaboo. You're still antennae out of ten to me."

" _Ugh_."

"Aw, don't get your spots in a knot, my lady. Akuma's at the Trocadero yeah?" He asked, jumping to his feet. Ladybug eyed his baton nervously.

" _Ah_ , maybe we should take the train."

"Don't worry. I won't drop you."

"Mhmm." She said. "And just where exactly are you going to put me?"

Adrien beamed and picked his little partner off the ground.

"In my pocket, right next to my heart where you belong."

* * *

It wasn't hard to track down the akuma.

"They're not _dolls_ they're _action figures!_ " Deposeable screeched, blasting one fleeing Parisian after another, littering the streets with box after box of ONE OF A KIND COLLECTABLES! and leaving the muffled panicked screams of victims in his wake.

"Okay this is actually kind of terrifying."

"We've seen worse." Marinette said, clutching tightly to the fabric of his pocket. The fact that Chat got to have pockets at all was a subject of bitter rumination for another time.

"Any ideas, LB?"

"Yeah," She said. "Don't get hit."

It was easier said than done.

There was something to be said for the power of righteous indignation – although whether Marinette would have picked _this_ particular hill to die on was another question altogether. But what Deposeable lacked in strategy he more than made up for in anguished rage.

"They're _collector's_ items!" He screamed, using a cartoonishly colored cardboard ray gun to blast the hapless heroes.

And although Chat Noir was doing a fine job of dodging his attacks Marinette found herself holding more than just her breath as he flipped and tumbled his way out of danger.

"Uh, Chat. I think we better split up."

Her partner took cover behind a nearby chimney. "I'm not leaving you."

"I won't go _far_ , but I'm getting a little Chat-sick if you know what I mean," She patted his chest comfortingly. "I'd rather you put me down now than ruin the upholstery."

He looked ready to argue when another round of terrified screams convinced him otherwise. With a worried look and a parting _be careful, my lady_ he was off.

When she was no longer in danger of losing her breakfast, Marinette found she was actually able to enjoy letting Chat take the reins for once. Sitting back against the chimney stock she tried to get as reasonably comfortable as someone without articulated limbs could be.

She _had_ been watching the Ladyblog feed (noting that for _this_ Alya could get out of babysitting) until it was cut off when the blogger herself was hit by the akuma. On another day Marinette might be more concerned for her friend, but she figured there were worse things than spending the afternoon as a doll.

(She might be a _little_ bitter but that was neither here nor there.)

"I could use a little luck about now, LB!" Chat said over her com. "I think the akuma's in his utility belt."

"Copy that." Marinette looked over her little yoyo and hoped for the best. "Lucky Charm!"

'The best' came crashing down on her like a mistimed guillotine.

Marinette screamed, tumbling out of the way as the not-at-all-mini _open-bladed box cutter_ dropped down from the sky.

" _Ladybug?_ " Chat shouted over her com. " _Ladybug are you all right?!_ "

 _Lady Luck, my ass_. Marinette scowled as the charm clattered against the roof. _Tikki and I are going to have words when this is all over_.

"I'm fine," She muttered, but she could tell from her partner's frantic chatter that he was already on his way.

 _Just as well_.

Marinette stood slowly, her movements stiff and unnatural. A loud thump behind her announced Chat's arrival but when she turned around it wasn't walking leather sin waiting for her.

"Well, well, well. Looks like I caught myself a little ladybug."

Marinette sighed. _Of course_.

* * *

 _Not good. Not good. Not good_.

Adrien's heart threatened to leap out of his chest as he raced hell for leather to reach the area where he'd left his partner. Her panicked shriek over his baton notwithstanding he no longer had a read on the akuma's position.

His anxious fears were realized as he caught sight of Deposable in the distance looming over his disgruntled partner.

" _Who opened your box?_ " He hissed, snatching Ladybug off the roof.

"Uh," Ladybug's head swiveling back and forth as she looked for an escape. "I did?"

Deposable scowled, shaking her roughly between his hands. "You're absolutely _worthless_ now!"

"Wow, _rude_."

If he weren't absolutely terrified, Adrien might have laughed at her indignation. As it only seemed to enrage her captor further, he kind of wished she hadn't said anything at all.

"Listen here, bug. A collection's only as good as its condition and now you've gone and _ruin–_ "

"Hey Deposable," Adrien growled, leaping onto the shared rooftop. "Collect _this!_ "

* * *

 _I need a vacation_.

Marinette hit the roof with a grunt as Chat kickflipped the akuma over the side of the building. Her partner's back attack left Deposable stunned, dropping her to the ground as he made his spectacular exit. She hardly had a moment to catch her breath however before Chat was tugging her up again, nearly pulling her off her feet in his haste.

"Come on, LB. We've got to get you somewhere safe." He yanked her forward, his hurried movements rougher than usual. Marinette felt a strange tension in her shoulder and pulled back.

"Wait, Chat! _Don't–_ "

 _Pop!_

They both froze, staring dumbly at Marinette's arm in Chat's clenched hand.

 _Huh_. Marinette thought just before the screaming began.

"OH MY GOD!" He squealed, nearly dropping the offending limb in horror. "What the _fuck?_ ARE YOU OKAY? I have your _arm_ **oh my god** I ripped off your _arm!_ "

Marinette looked at the appendage with an impressive level of detachment.

"Well it doesn't hurt, Chaton."

" _Oh my_ _ **god**_."

She glanced down at the gaping hole where her arm used to be and frowned. "I think we can probably just pop it back in."

"I'm going to be sick."

Marinette rolled her eyes. "Honestly, did you never rip the heads off your dolls as a kid?"

Chat's eyes narrowed in horrified outrage. "Don't you dare joke about that."

"Although," She mused, tapping her remaining hand thoughtfully against her chin. "I suppose if it _had_ been my head you'd say something like _no need to lose your head over me, my lady_. Oh, _don't_ make that face you know you would."

Chat exhaled a scream.

"Seriously, if it freaks you out so much _I'll_ take care of it." She grabbed her arm out of her partner's hands and lined it up to her side. There was a little bit of resistance from the plastic ball-socket but she managed to reattach it with a small _fwap_.

She rolled it forwards then back to test its mobility before tossing Chat a told-you-so grin. He was, as to be expected, looking a little greener than usual.

"Now before you go flitting off again take this." Marinette dragged the box cutter towards his limp hands. "I'll find a vent to hide in or something."

Chat nodded slowly but didn't move.

She frowned. "Do you need me to come with you?"

His eyes widened in horror and he shook his head. "Absolutely not. You're going to stay here and I'm going to bring you the akuma and then we are _never talking about this again_."

"But–"

" _Stay_."

"Alright," Marinette said, lips twitching. "Twist my arm, minou."

"You– _UGH_." Chat shot her a disgusted look before vaulting off leaving her giggling in his agitated wake.

* * *

Adrien was going to have nightmares about this day for years to come.

Terrifying images of Ladybug's limbs falling off aside, he'd made a spectacular fool of himself at nearly every turn.

 _There's no way she'll ever fall for me now_ , he thought, his tail glumly _tap-tapping_ against Marinette's balcony railing.

He wasn't even sure why he'd bother to come except for the fact he couldn't stay away.

Hours after her miraculous cure had worked its magic his parting words to her haunted him like some b-horror ghost.

" _Thanks for having my back, Chaton."_ _She said._

" _I-It's a back worth having, my lady."_

Plagg had laughed himself hoarse when he finally got home and dropped his transformation.

"Look on the bright side, kid. At least she doesn't know who _you_ are."

As far as comforting words went they left a lot to be desired.

"I'm going to be alone forever," Adrien groaned into his hands, Ladybug's confused smile forevermore imprinted onto the back of his eyelids.

"Chat?"

" _Ga-ah!"_ He yelped, nearly tumbling backwards off the railing as Marinette peeked her head up through the sky light. Unfortunately he overcorrected himself and managed to fall tail over ears onto her balcony instead.

"Please just kill me," He whined as his partner's stifled giggling surrounded him.

"Poor minou," She cooed, leaning forward to offer him a hand up. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you know," He said, waving her hand away and electing to stay on the ground. "Questioning my life choices. Waiting for the earth to swallow me whole. The usual."

Marinette bit her lip and took a seat beside him. "Well I hope this wallowing isn't for my benefit."

"Everything is for your benefit, bugaboo," He said, hoping it was too dark for her to make out the blush he felt creeping up his neck.

"Chat."

"I'm embarrassed," He winced, his claws clicking anxiously against the ground. "I wanted you to think I was cool."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, oh." He sighed, rolling over to face the sky. "Plagg's been laughing at me all day."

Adrien heard her shifting beside him and nearly jumped when he felt her hands lifting his head so that it rested on her lap. He looked up to meet her eyes, sparkling like sapphires in the fairy lights.

Marinette tapped his nose and smiled.

"I don't need you to be cool. I just need you to be you."

He snorted. " _Thanks_."

She laughed. "You'll be okay, Chaton."

And as he lay there with her hands gently threading through his hair as they stared out at their city Adrien found being needed was far better than being cool any day. The idea had him melting even further into her lap and he hoped that if Ladybug needed Chat Noir, Marinette could need Adrien just as well.

"Adrien," He sighed, his eyes slipping shut as her fingernails scratched gently behind his ears. "Adrien Agreste."

Marinette stilled beneath him. "E-excuse me?"

"That's my name, buginette." He murmured, frowning now that her hands stopped their ministrations.

…

…

...

" _Fral?"_

Adrien's eyes snapped open at the nonsensical whimper only to be met with the red-faced, stun-wide terror in his partner's eyes.

 _Oops_.

He shot her a sheepish grin.

" _ **Chtren?"**_ Marinette squeaked.

"Hey Buginette."

* * *

Tikki paused mid-cookie as she heard her charge's panicked screams filter down from the balcony and sighed.

"Here we go again."


End file.
